Dave [Host]

Age: 32

Location: Always home

Relationship status: Shackled with dependents.

Broadcast experience: 10 years

Likes: Long walks on the beach, poker, masturbating,, boobs, survivor.

Dislikes: Saggy boobs, cold weather, the Patriots, not having reading material when he goes number two, yardwork.

Crowning achievment: Making a half court basketball shot for $5,000, bowling two 300 games.

John [Host]

Age: Somewhere in his 30's.

Location: Florida

Relationship status: The courts would give the kid to her.

Broadcast experience: 14 years

Likes: Chicks, movies, freedom, tennis, when Dave doesn't do show prep, American Idol.

Dislikes: Not getting any, meat, spending money.

Crowning achievment: Losing 70 lbs. and keeping it off, The Ravens 2000 Superbowl win.

Kelly [Host]

Age: She won't tell.

Location: Florida (under rock)

Relationship status:With Raul

Broadcast experience: 1 year

Likes: Business trips, giggling, rock cleaning, negroes, DVD's. Raul

Dislikes: Keeping up on current events, 1 night stands when sober.

Crowning achievment: 3 guys at one time.

Lefty [Slow News Anchor]

Age: 27

Location:No longer in his wheelchair

Relationship status: A smokin' hot girlfriend

Broadcast experience: 2 months

Likes: Cumcritters, anal beebees, Papsmears, cum clowns.

Dislikes: Unlubed wheelchair wheels, Righty.

Crowning achievment: The multimillion dollar suit he won after getting hit on his motorcycle.